Good Little Boys Getting Rocks and Minerals in their Stockings

Jolly Old Saint Nick is facing a dilemma the elves are planning a revolt!

When Santa checks his list for naughty and nice this year, he’s finding it harder and harder to make a point with rocks, stones, lumps of clay and coal for kids that haven’t met the nice standard. It seems that good little boys, and particularly Cub Scouts trying to earn the Cub Scout Academics Geology Belt Loop and Geology Pin Awards, are asking for rocks and minerals to satisfy their interest in prehistoric earth science.

What’s the Jolly Old Elf to do?

Recently the headlines, ‘Godzilla’ Fossils Reveal Real-Life Sea Monster have sparked the imagination of kids, young and old alike, and caused a renewed interest in fossils, geology and paleontology. Pretty soon you can expect to see reruns of the popular movies Jurassic Park I, II, and III. No doubt Jurassic 4, 5 et al or some other me too variation will soon surface. Maybe even How the Dinosaurs Saved Christmas.

But what does all this renewed interest in fossils, geology and paleontology have to do with Jolly Old Saint Nick and the rumblings of a revolt by elves at the North Pole? Well read on and you’ll learn the rest of the story.

Unnamed sources, at the reindeer feeding grounds in the northern tundra regions, have leaked a report that due to the high demand for dinosaur fossils, minerals and rough gemstones Mr. Clause is thinking about sending the elves out to excavate for fossils and minerals to meet the demand. It is widely rumored that advisors in Santa’s inner circle have contacted President George W. Bush in an effort to schedule a secret meeting in order to secure excavation and drilling rights to US National Parks and other normally off limits regions like Area 51, also known as Groom Lake, a secret military facility about 90 miles north of Las Vegas Nevada. Neither the White House, EPA nor National Parks officials were available to comment on these revelations.

Elves, generally accustomed to hard work in order to meet the seasonal gift giving requirements, are now beside themselves with anxiety and panic attacks that may be putting them at risk and on the verge of developing generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Typically not prone to using drugs, some of the wee folk (also referred to as the Height Challenged by the politically correct crowd) have presumably resorted to mail order drugs like the FDA approved Lexapro.

A spokes-elf, on condition of anonymity, said, It’s not that we don’t want to do whatever is necessary to make the children happy, it’s having to deal with the government red tape and bureaucracy that presents the problem. The elf (gender unknown) went on to say, We have always been exempt from OSHA rules because we practice common sense safety in everything we do. It would devastate our ability to meet the timetable we have if we couldn’t do our magic because of fines and restrictive regulations. Furthermore, due to the heightened security in the face of real terrorist threats we don’t believe it would be wise for us to be seen walking around with excavation tools and a bag of explosives over our shoulder.

When ask what other alternatives might exist, several members of the elf community were quick to point out that Cub Scout Geology resources for individual activities and den projects are available from http://www.cubscoutgeology.com and that every conceivable form of dinosaur fossils, minerals and rough precious gemstones could be found at:

http://www.dinosaursrock.com/DinosaurGifts.htm

http://www.fossilconnoisseur.com/dinosaursuperstore/

http://www.twoguysfossils.com/gift_items.htm

http://www.twoguysfossils.com/kids.htm

http://www.baystatereplicas.com/models.htm and

http://www.astrogallery.com/.

They also went on to say that many children are now asking for an at home dinosaur birthday party or dinosaur event due to the increasing popularity of web sites like:

http://www.dinosaurbirthdayparty.com/ and

http://www.dinosaurparty.net/.

We hope that the big guy at the North Pole and the Presidents Advisors don’t misinterpret the elves intelligence. It doesn’t take the CIA, FBI, a special prosecutor or a senate committee hearing to understand the information that can be found at the Dinosaur Birthday Party Blog. A strike, work slowdown, work stoppage and at worst a rebellion by elves at this critical time of year would be a disaster and could have serious economic consequences on the growth of a nation.

We’ll be watching for fair and balanced reporting. Please Mr. O’Reilly, I hope you’re looking out for the elves too! Ho Ho Ho.