by Ron Enderland

It was my pleasure to recently interview Miss Emily Litella. Miss Litella, as you may recall, was a regular on "NBC's Saturday Night" (That's right, before it was "Saturday Night Live."). I caught up with her as she was leading a protest to free the oppressed people of communist East Germany. After explaining to her that communist East Germany no longer existed, she agreed to give me an interview.

Bald Guy: Thank you for doing this interview with me, Miss Litella.

Emily: Interview? I thought you said inner tube! I thought you were going to help me change my flat tire!

Bald Guy: Er...how about if I help you change your flat tire after we talk a little bit?

Emily: I guess that would be okay, young man.

Bald Guy: Have you ever surfed the internet, Miss Litella?

Emily: What's all this fuss I keep hearing about the winter mess, anyway? Why do people go surfing when it's all cold and snowy? It just doesn't make sense to...

Bald Guy: Uh, Miss Litella, I think you misunderstood. It's INTERNET, the information superhighway. It's the network of millions of computers tied together worldwide!

Emily: But, that's preposterous! It's uncomfortable enough to ride that subway as it is. Then they tie commuters together? It's outrageous that...

Bald Guy: No, Miss Litella, you didn't hear me right! COMPUTERS, the thinking machines that appear in more and more households each day. Why, people who never dreamed that they would someday own one are now happily cruising the World Wide Web!

Emily: That reminds me! What's all this fuss I keep hearing about bruising the world's white bread? Why would anyone want to hurt an innocent food? Something should be done about it! It's outrag...

Bald Guy: Miss Litella, you don't understand. Have you ever seen the little address at the end of many TV commercials now? You know, it starts out "http://www..." and has letters, slashes, things like that? That's an internet address. Most major companies have web pages now, and that address is where you find them.

Emily: Is that what that is? I tried to call Toyota on my telephone, and that number didn't work. I didn't even have those slash lines on my dial! I bought a new telephone at KMart, and it didn't have them either!

Bald Guy: You see, that's not a phone number. You type that address into your browser, and you are taken to a web page. It's like magic!

Emily: I type that number into my brassiere? Nobody talks like that to me, sir! I'm leaving!

Bald Guy: Please, Miss Litella, wait. I'm afraid that I've confused you. You see, the internet is something that intimidates and confuses a lot of people. There is a misconception that it is a dangerous place, full of pornography and anarchy. The fact is, the internet is simply a tool that man has sort of accidentally created. Like any tool, it can either be used properly or misused. And, like any tool, if you learn to use it properly, it can provide you with benefits. Huge benefits, in this case.

Emily: I see. So, the intersect is something that is there for our good?

Bald Guy: That's correct. The intersect, er...internet is something that is simply too valuable to not take advantage of.

Emily: Well, thank you very much for teaching me about the interject. Now, I must leave. I have to catch a taxi and get to my hairdresser for my 1:00 appointment.

Bald Guy: But Miss Litella! what about your flat tire?

Emily: I'll just use my cell phone and leave a voice mail for my mechanic! Good day, sir!

This column is dedicated to the memory of Gilda Radner.