Giving up Guilt

"You're worthless. Why did you do that? You had an abortion. You killed your baby. Selfish. Heartless. Merciless. Guilty." I heard these words over and over. Nobody spoke them to me. I said them; not because I wanted to believe them, not because I liked misery. The words were there because of the guilt I felt. The words were wrong and they hurt. They entered my heart and made me a prisoner. There was nothing I could do to change the past. My baby died long ago but the guilt lived on.

I knew God never intended for me to feel guilty. When the earth was created it was made in perfection. And then came sin. Partners to sin are guilt, condemnation, dissatisfaction; emotions that had grown familiar to me. If these feelings went along with sin, how could I ever get over the past? The past was gone but the sin lived in my self-condemnation.

The Word of God showed me that forgiveness is the key to the healing of my pain. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9 KJV)

I asked for forgiveness over and over, hoping to get rid of the feelings of guilt and worthlessness. God forgave me the first time I asked. I didn't need to ask again because it was done. But I was still miserable. I knew God had forgiven me, but I had not forgiven myself. I found that God is more forgiving than I was. It was difficult to let go of the pain. If I let go of the pain then I was letting go of my baby, and I wouldn't do that. I believed that I deserved the self-inflicted punishment for the crime I committed. The pain, though, was killing me. So by the grace of God, the healing of time, and many reminders of self-worth, I learned to forgive myself.

Unfortunately, guilt does not like to be sent away, never to return. Guilt still tries to find ways to creep back into my life to remind me of the abortion. When I see a new mother and her baby I think, "That should me," and the rotten feelings from the pit of hell return. God forgave me long ago, but I have to forgive myself again. Thanks to God, it is easier to forgive myself each time. Recovery is a long process that becomes manageable as time passes. As the guilt diminishes, it is replaced with the desire to tell others of God's healing power.

Like a soothing ointment, God takes His grace and mercy and cleanses our deepest wounds. With slow, methodical hands He massages away the hurt. But one reminder can rip open the gash and it bleeds sorrow anew. So we must again turn to our loving Father. Only He will heal the guilty past. Through forgiveness, He points us toward the future.