I am 37 years old, and I come from a Jewish background as far as religion is concerned. I had an abortion when I was 20, after being sexually assaulted. I felt I was doing the only thing expected of me in my situation. I felt relieved afterward for a while. I became active in the pro-choice movement (first as a legislative worker, then as a clinic escort). I suppose in retrospect I was trying to justify what I had done. Then in 1991 I became pregnant with my son. I went for prenatal visits and was horrified to see a real baby on the Ultrasound screen, and also to hear his heartbeat on the Doptone device! I had not realized the heartbeat started so soon; they never told me anything about that at Planned Parenthood, when my parents brought me for the abortion. Ironically, I was at the same point in time (10 wks) as when I'd had my abortion years earlier.

During the pregnancy with my son, I went through severe post-abortion guilt. I kept thinking God would kill the new baby inside me to pay me back for the one I killed myself. I tried to distance myself from this new baby to protect myself in case that happened. After his birth, I had trouble bonding with him, so sure I was that God would still take him. But he didn't! It took 11 years, but the post-abortion trauma finally hit me. That was the really scary part; I thought because I felt OK for a time after my abortion, that I was fully OK with it. I never thought for a minute that having a baby years later would trigger anything like the nightmare I went through with guilt!

A year or so later, I became pregnant with my daughter, and during the pregnancy she was supposed to have a birth defect called spina bifida and also anencephaly (according to tests and the Ultrasound). My doctor urged me to consider abortion, but I flatly refused because of the horror my other abortion had put me through and because of what I now knew about life in the womb. The result was that my daughter was born perfectly healthy in September 1993.

After my daughter was born, I lost three babies while they were still in utero. This experience has brought me close to God, and I have become a Christian.

I thank God for bringing me through all of this. I know His Hand has always been upon me and I praise and thank Him for allowing me to have more children even after I so selfishly killed my first child (which could have been my only one!)