Marc and I were very happy and had talked about marriage, but our situation at the time didn't permit it. We lived in different times. When I found out I was pregnant, I almost passed out. I called Marc and told him. We were both so stunned. I had a hard enough time dealing with the guilt that we were sleeping together. We had both always claimed to be pro-lifers, but when the option of abortion came up, it kind of was decided that that would be what we would do. Marc couldn't support all three of us and I was so close to finishing my education. I was also so afraid of shaming my family, even though they were totally against abortion. I thought that I would just live with my own internal shame and guilt instead of hurting everyone else around me.

I decided that if I was going to do it, I would have to do it at the earliest possible date, when the baby wouldn't have formed anything yet. I guess that was the only way that I could do, by dehumanizing it. Marc came to see me when I was four weeks pregnant and we went to the next state to have the procedure done. I don't remember any of the procedure. I was just supposed to have a local anesthesia, but I guess I passed out. I woke up on a bed that was one of many in a room. Then Marc and I drove home. Nothing seemed real for quite a few days after that. I didn't feel a sense of relief. I was very depressed.

I only carried my baby for a short while, but I think about him/her everyday. A million things trigger my sadness. When I try to talk about it with Marc, he always changes the subject. It hurts so bad. The only peace that I find is knowing that I can talk to God about it. I found a lot of comfort in a song called "A Baby's Prayer". Every time someone shares their joy of having a baby and every time I hold my baby niece and nephew, I feel so much pain for the life I took. My baby deserved to know me and my love, and I selfishly never gave it that chance.