"I have never been so alone. . ."

As I sit here tonight, I realize that I have never been so alone. Tonight my little girl would have been one. The last year and a half of my life has to have been the most painful and depressing year of my life. The saddest part is that I am sitting in a room with the child's father and I am still alone.

Many night since I had the abortion, I have found myself in this position, I love him very much and I want to spend my life with him, yet when it comes to the worst decision of our lives, he has nothing to say. Just before I had the abortion, I felt the butterflies of my child moving and I tried to leave. I begged and tried to borrow enough money to leave, but I couldn't tell anyone why, so I submitted to his wishes, turned my back on God and my upbringing, and denied my other daughter the right to have a blood sister. Now she will never know the joy of having a brother or sister, and I will never feel a child with in my womb stirring and reminding me what the miracle of life and God is really like.

I never dreamed that I wouldn't have more children, but the doctor that performed the surgery did some damage, and now I must not only feel the shame of my sin, and I must live knowing I killed a child,but I can never be a mother again. I wish I could go back to that day. I would have taken the eight dollars I had in my pocket and my other daughter and left. I should have never looked back, but now I always look back. I my dreams, I see her, I hold her. My only consolation is that when my time comes, if I can face my judgement, then I may hold my daughter in God's heaven and I will finally feel like a whole person, and I will beg her to forgive a scared and confused woman for a terrible mistake .

Happy birthday Emily, may you look down upon us from heaven. Until we meet again, I will love you until the thirteenth day of forever.

Your heartbroken mother