I never thought the day would come when I would communicate with others about all that I have been through. I have been in counseling many times, and am finally working through all the feelings I have had for the since August 1986. I have worked through the Healing exercises, during the past week, and felt as though I was living through the entire experience all over again. When I first read the questions, I was certain that most did not apply to me, because "I was different". I was married, and had been on fertility drugs for 2 years before conceiving and giving birth to healthy boy/girl twins in December 1985.

The thought of getting pregnant again, without trying, had never even entered our minds! But, when I found out in July 1986 that I was, indeed, expecting another child, the feelings and emotions were overwhelming! My husband was not dealing well with the twins, and I found myself exhausted, trying to work a full-time job, and then come home and take care of the house, the children, etc... He gave me an "ultimatum": the baby, or him...and what followed was what I then thought was the worst month of my life! I wanted another child, but feared the thought of fertility drugs and another multiple pregnancy and birth. So, when I found out I was pregnant, with no "help", I felt that God had given me a gift. Yet, how could I take care of myself and 3 children, alone? I felt trapped, and ended up "giving in" to his demands...

Thoughts of suicide have plagued me most of my life...my mother was single, and an alcoholic; she died when I was 6 years old. I was adopted at the age of 8, and lived the next 10 years in an abusive household...physical, sexual, and emotional abuse were the "facts of life"... I was given everything money could buy...private school, new clothes, the "best of everything"...but, money could not buy the love and "family" I longed for. So, I ran away, and did spend a couple years trying to get my life back together...the road was rocky, to say the least, and did include three attempts to "end it all"...but, I guess "God wasn't finished with me yet"... so, each time, I survived, and even got a little bit stronger, through it all. Finding a man who "really loved me" was something I thought would never happen. So, when it did, I grabbed on, and held on...for life!

Yes, even this road has been difficult, but I am finding new ways to deal with it, and live through it all. About 3 weeks ago, I found your site, and have been finding "new hope" daily. I spoke to my pastor about this entire situation, just 2 weeks ago. He is a kind and compassionate man. He told me that God has forgiven me, and now I need to forgive myself. I so desperately want to believe that!! And, I so desperately want to forgive myself! Working through the healing exercises was difficult, and I have shed many tears...for myself, for the baby, and for all the lives lost through abortion. I find myself being angry with the government...how dare they even make this procedure legal? And, the doctors...how dare they make it available? I was fortunate that my doctor was there for me...he helped me work through my infertility, was there to help me give birth to my children, and was there to help me to make the most "informed" decision possible(that really didn't make it any easier of a decision, but it was good to know he was there!). His kindness was a big help. I can't imagine going through all that I went through with strangers!

For years, I have feared God's punishment...the thought that He would take my children away from me still haunts me. I "know" that God is all-forgiving, but my heart is still afraid...and that is where I am, now... I know that, with God, all things are possible. I know I will never be able to forget the pain, the sadness, the loss of that child... but, hopefully with His help, I will be able to trust in Him to make it easier to forgive myself. Thank you for making this site available...I honestly felt lost, and had no idea where to go, or how to help myself. Your site has given me the information, strength, support, and courage to go on, to help myself, and to try to make my life "worth living".