I am a 26 year old wife and mom, who at the age of 19, found herself unwed and pregnant. Although I was happy about the pregnancy, and had the support of the father of my child, my family was very against the pregnancy. Having been totally dependant on my parents at that point in my life, I buckled under their pressure and faked a miscarriage. In reality, I aborted my unborn child.

I tried and tried to find a person I could turn to for support, but found no one. The father and I had only been together for a short time, and he was not financially self-sufficient at that point either. I was so ashamed of my weakness in agreeing to abort, that I did not even tell the baby's father the truth.

When I went down to the Planned Parenthood clinic for my original consultation, they did an ultrasound to determine how far along I was. I saw my baby's heart beat that day. The day that my mom took me back for the actual abortion, I cried and screamed all the way there, begging for another option. When I arrived at the clinic, I would have given anything, had someone reached out to me and offered me another path to follow.

Instead, as I arrived at the clinic that day, so-called pro-lifers, rather than reach out to me, chose to judge and condemn me from the curbside, calling me a "murderer". At that point, the easiest thing for me to do was to rush into that clinic for sanctuary. That day, I allowed my baby to die at the hands of an abortionist.

As I awoke from anesthesia, I heard another woman crying, repentful of what she had done. The nurses in the room went from the compassionate creatures who "loved" us through making the decision to abort, telling us it was "the right thing to do" and that everything would "be alright" to telling us to "hush our mouths" and "get up and get dressed and get going" before we "scared" or "upset" any of the women in the waiting room.

In assembly line fashion, they moved us out of recovery into another room where we were given orange juice and cookies. Orange juice and cookies, in exchange for the lives of our innocent unborn babies.

That day a lot of things changed in my life. I went from being a person who basically did not believe in abortion, to someone who was staunchly "pro-choice." Really, pro-abortion. I remember a couple of years later, a friend of mine found herself, nineteen, unmarried and pregnant and I actually tried to convince her to abort her child. Thankfully she was stronger than I, and her son will be five-years-old in February 1997. When I look at him, I thank God she did not listen to me.

By the time that all this was going on, I had been married for almost six months, to the man who fathered my aborted baby. I still had never told him the truth about my alleged "miscarriage" and the role I had played in our baby's death. Though on the surface, all seemed well, inside I was dying.

From the moment we were married, I became obsessed with getting pregnant, but to no avail. About a month and a half before our 1st wedding anniversary, 3 days after my 22nd birthday, I found myself in the office of a gynecologist due to severe bleeding and cramping. I had not had a regular female cycle in a long time, so at first I thought it was due to the great deal of time that had elapsed since my last period. During an exam by the doctor, it was determined that I had indeed been pregnant without knowing it, and was in the last stage of a miscarriage. I knew and believed with all my heart that this was my punishment from God for having aborted my first baby almost 3 years before. I was convinced with my whole heart that I would never be a mom, because I did not deserve to be. I mourned for my baby, and my husband was loving and supportive, but he had no idea of the guilt I was carrying.

The first person I reached out to and told the truth about what had happened to my first baby was my aunt, who was a Christian. She had been trying for months to get my husband and I to come to church. Not realizing it, guilt was what kept me from going. I could not forgive myself the sin I had committed, why would God? My aunt described to me a God I never knew or understood existed. A God of love and forgiveness, a God who wanted so much to forgive me, He died for me. JESUS CHRIST. I wanted so much to know this God, that I agreed to go with her to her church.

The first time I attended the Cornerstone, my church home since that first day I went there in 1992, I found out about an outreach/bible study for post-abortive women. I made arrangements to talk with the woman who led it, and explained my situation, the fact that it was still very secretive, even my husband not knowing the truth. She was very loving, and told me although it was not required, she recommended that I tell him the truth. She said it would help the healing process. Now, years later, I understand what she meant. Wounds need fresh air to heal. They will not heal under a dirty old bandage like a secret, especially a secret from the one person there should be no secrets from. At the time though, I determined to wait and not volunteer the information, but God in His infinite wisdom, placed the opportunity before me to open up to him.

Of all things, we were watching a prime time soap, and abortion was the topic at hand. I literally sat on my husband's chest, as I opened up and told him the truth. I did it so he could not leave me. By God's grace, not only did he stay, but he took me in his arms and comforted me and forgave me.

This all happened before the Bible study ever began. That too was God's grace, because those months of the study were some of the most painful months in my life. Not only did I have to come to terms with all the pain and hurt, and the betrayal I had felt, but I also had to deal with my own responsibilty in my baby's death. That was something I had conveniently overlooked for a very long time. Although it was painful, it was worth it, because not only did I finally mourn my first child and come to terms with all that had happened, but I also found the love and forgiveness of my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I learned that although my earthly parents had let me down, my Father in Heaven never would.

Psalm 27:10 says: "When my father and mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me." (NKJV). I understood that he would always be with me, no matter what. There are no limitations or conditions to God's love, none that I am incapable of meeting, because as Phillipians 4:13 says: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV).

I did find love and forgiveness, and I went from a sad ashamed little girl, to a woman of God, who not only no longer hid her past and the things she had done, but who was able to stand up and tell the world (anyone who would listen) what Christ had done for me, the restoration He had done in my life, to me as a person and to my marriage and most of all, He had closed the great divide between He and I. And He did all the work, He lived the perfect life, was sacrificed on the cross and conquered death, all so that He could forgive me. John 3:16 says: "For God so LOVED the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (NKJV). In my Bible, it should say,"For God so loved Diana..."

And it also says in Isaiah 53:5, "But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed." (NKJV).

I know a lot of people think that religion and Jesus and the gospel hold about as much water as a sieve, but all I can say, is my faith is based on only what I have seen in my own life, and the lives of other believers I know. I don't have to ask if there is a God, because I know Him, I see Him work in my life daily, and I am blessed and honored to have a personal relationship with Him. And that's not religion, that is the joy and peace of my life.

Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such, there is no law." (NKJV).

It's been belittled down into to bumpersticker propoganda, but it is the Gospel truth, "No Jesus, no peace; Know Jesus, know Peace." I cannot do it justice with mere words. Those of you who know Him, know, those who don't, it is my prayer that you will. May God bless each of you who is here, and may you find and know the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of the world.

"The Hug"

No one knowing or seeing the pain that I felt,
Imprisoned and burdened by the guilt that I held.
Not my fault, but it was, things could have been done,
But no one was there to whom I could run.

All those I had trusted had turned me away,
Even those who were closest, my heart they did slay.
My child they tore out, and part of me died,
Filled with such shame about her death, I just lied.

Only my betrayers knew the truth, what could I do?
No one who would comfort me, no one who knew.
As time passed my guilt grew and so did the pain,
I knew in my heart I'd never be the same.

One day years later, the news came another child died,
This time I knew, was the price for my having lied.
A punishment given for what I had done,
The Lord took from me, the life of my son.

I knew God saw evil when He looked at my heart,
For in my child's murder I had taken a part.
No one need tell me how evil I was, indeed,
I knew in my heart, and on anger I'd feed.

I saw the evil in those who once I did love,
Those who forced me to reap the punishment from above.
Such anger, at myself, at them, and at the Lord,
To tell the truth now, I could not afford.

Though I'd been betrayed, I had betrayed another,
I'd lied to the man who made me a mother.
Now bonded together, as husband and wife,
So fearful to tell him, afraid he'd flee from my life.

Needing to heal, but the wound was still covered,
No one could tend it, for fear of my lover.
If I told him this, wouldn't he leave me too?
I knew he did love me, but what else could he do?

Infected and festering, my heart pains just grew,
Slowly dying inside, only remedy was to speak truth.
Needing forgiveness for myself, and in my heart,
I knew from the lies, I just had to part.

First time I reached out, one told me God would forgive,
There were others who'd been there, in His love they now live.
Returned to the Lord, cried out for His help,
Saw the light that would lead, to the end of my hell.

To tell my husband the truth, was my first step of faith,
He held me close, lovingly put His kiss on my face.
In his heart was such pain of betrayal and loss, all around,
But by God's grace, there also for me, forgiveness was found.

The first breath of air, that my wound did then feel,
It started the healing, but also made all the pain much more real.
I went to a place, where I was not alone,
I found others who knew, what I had known.

Mother's of children, who were slain in the womb,
Never taking first breath, being torn to their doom.
My guilt they did know, but not the betrayal I'd seen,
Still, deep in my heart I tried to make my hands clean.

Tried to place my child's blood on the hands of another,
Wanted responsibility taken, by my father and mother.
They had forced my hand, my path they did make,
Even if I had choice of which path I would take.

Not alone did I choose to let my child die,
To say that I'd wanted it, would be to lie.
So in the betrayal, I did feel alone,
The hurt of the act, no one had known.

I looked to God's word for salve, for my wound to heal,
I looked and I searched, it began to be real.
One night all alone, no one around,
I cried out to my Jesus, and there Him, I found.

I cried, "Lord no one knows the pain that I feel."
He replied, "My child, to Me your pain is quite real,
"Not once were you alone, in all you've been through,
"Every time your heart broke, my heart broke too,

"Each tear that you've shed, I was there and I'd see,
"I've kept them in a bottle in Heaven with me.
"Child have no fears, there's no burden I won't bear,
"Know in your heart, I love you, I care.

"Hand over your hurts, give Me the pain,
"I promise you child, you won't be the same."
That moment I let go, I knew He was right,
Giving Him my yoke, His yoke was light.

As I let go, such tears that I cried,
Cleaning my soul, from deep with inside.
Bringing forth with them such healing, as I'd never known,
I finally knew in my heart, I'd never been alone.

He watched and He saw, and He UNDERSTOOD,
When no one else did, I knew He always WOULD.
That's when it started, I knew my pain would end,
I had Jesus in my life, He was my Friend.

I laid on my bed, tears continuing to come,
I finally found the place, where my peace would come from.
He laid down behind me, in His arms me He took,
And I laid there and rested, not daring to look.

Fearing if I turned, not seeing, this feeling would leave,
I just closed my eyes, and continued to receive.
Feeling Christ's touch, my heart was so full of love,
Being held in His hug, was a gift from above.

For that time I just rested. knowing there was still more ahead, But for then, I just laid with my Jesus on the bed.
Not foolish I saw, life might still be rough,
But I also knew in my heart, my Jesus was enough.

My Healer, my Savior, forever my Friend,
I knew that my Jesus would stay to the end.

If you are interested in corresponding with others whose lives have been changed by abortion, we are seeking to formalize a regular meeting time and place to meet on line. If you are seeking healing in this area of your life, or have found it and want to share it with others, please contact me for more information.