To All Mothers-To-Be:

Approximately three weeks ago today I unfortunately had an abortion. Let me tell you the story from beginning to ending.

I was having a rather enjoyable spring and summer. I met and went out with two men, one after the other with a month inbetween, to my happiness they were both vegetarian (I am a vegan). I had sex way too quick with both of them before knowing their views on what if I became pregnant, which was never discussed because we were using condoms. Well, around the beginning of August, I noticed signs of pregnancy, but they went away and with them, my thoughts. Later, a visitor of the cooperative community I live in said I looked like I was pregnant (she had a couple of children of her own). I laughed it off and went on with my business. Later I was watching the movie "Nine Months" and noticed the part where she mentioned going to the bathroom alot was a part of pregnancy and I certainly was getting up early almost every day to go to the bathroom. The pregnancy was later confirmed, I was already 16 months along, at least. The "conception" date was right inbetween the last time I had sex with one man I was seeing and the first time with another I was seeing. Well after learning about the two weeks til conception I knew it was the first man. In my heart I knew the father was the first man from the beginning. He did not want any part of it and even practically damned the unborn baby if it were to be born. I never heard such cruel words ever spoken to me. Wel,l with full thrust ahead I, decided to carry the baby, and was going to have my sister-in-law and brother adopt the baby upon birth. Everything was going fine heartwise but my mind was constantly up or extremely down and I didn't know how to handle it for three weeks and then early am on 09/14/97, I, with other people agreeing it was the best, went in and made an appointment on 09/15/97. I said goodbye to my baby and I numbed myself and distanced myself from the baby inside me and on 09/16/97, I went in with a friend who knew this was my last choice but didn't know what else to do. I was 19 weeks and had a prostin abortion where I delivered a dead baby. I will never forget it in all of my born days! I did feel relief a little bit , actually I really believe that it was just mind numb. Afterwards, I took my IV apart and left earlier than they wanted me to. I couldn't stay. I miss and love my baby and I know I can't get him/her back. It's still hard for me to believe that I took the miracle of life and threw it away. I went last night to Project Rachel, a post abortion syndrome support group, and it was cancelled. The people who went left their name and number for them to contact us when they start it.

I realize now what I needed was crisis pregnancy counseling to get me through the pregnancy instead of just family and friends help. I needed professional help to help me save my baby. Unfortunately I found out about these places after the abortion. You know, they were the first ones to give me full information on the baby's stages of growth inside me and all about abortion and it's physical/emotional/spiritual after effects, after it was too late. I knew the baby was alive inside me, but I still needed extra support since the father wouldn't. I didn't want his money, as I even told him and he definitely knows how I feel now. I don't condemn him, as I know it is not my place to, but feel sorry for him and I hope he comes to see the light that a growing baby inside a woman is alive. My heart knew it, but my mind was just too crazy for any but a professional at a crisis pregnancy center to deal with.

I have gone back to my abstinant lifestyle that I was living for five years before moving to New York, and lived for around 5 months in New York. I will not have sex again unless he cares fully for me and my values and knows my values. All I know is that if I'm ever in this situation again, I will let go of all my pride and make sure I have the baby. I cannot take another baby's life and I am extremely disappointed with myself that I did it in the first place. I have vowed to strengthen my mind up to my heart's level and never let myself be that weak to take a baby's life that I didn't have the right to take in the first place.

A note to any mother-to-be in any of the 5 boroughs of New York City - if you need to talk with someone as a friend who can compassionately guide you to an abortion alternative clinic before it's too late, you can e-mail me at venus1007@juno.com.

From,

A mother who almost was,

Janice Foote