Whenever I hear people say that women have abortions for the sake of "convenience" or so their lives "won't be interrupted," I am saddened by their lack of understanding. I considered my unexpected pregnancy not an inconvenience, but a crisis. Nor was the life I was leading so pleasant that I was hoping that an abortion would help me to continue it uninterrupted. In fact, I was in as miserable a state before the pregnancy as after. When I discovered the pregnancy, I was so shaken that my ability to reason or to make a good decision simply shut down. I alternated between hysterical crying and numbness. I even saw a TV debate about abortion during those days, and listening to people speak passionately on both sides could not help me make a decision.

Finally, it was my husband begging me to do it that made up my mind.

I've read that most of the women who have abortions are unmarried, and one factor in the decision is that they'll have no husband to help them take care of a child. I wonder, though, how many young married women, like I was, have an abortion because the idea of a married couple giving up a child for adoption is almost unheard-of in our society. That would have been a wonderful outcome for us. Bringing up the child ourselves probably would not, because my husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. I really don't think the idea of adoption even occurred to me in my agitated state. Now, I always wish that it had happened that way--that I had thought of it, and that my parents (and especially my in-laws, who wielded a lot of power over us) would have supported and encouraged such a choice. As it happened, I didn't confide in any of them (that's also something that I always regret).

My biggest regret is that I did not put God first in my life in those days. If I had only turned to God instead of running from Him, so much suffering would have been prevented. My baby would have been born and given to a family that had the maturity and the resources--financial and emotional--to care for him into adulthood instead of being flushed away as a tiny, shredded embryo. I would not have carried a heavy weight of pain and grief and guilt for more than two decades (this happened in 1975). And I might even have inspired other women, by example, to choose life for their unborn children.

Even though I still grieve that baby and always will, I understand now that God can turn our mourning to joy. I became a Christian last year, and I know that God has forgiven me, that He loves me, and that He honors my journey toward Him. I have confessed my terrible sin to Him, and I am searching for the best ways to serve Him on earth.

I'm divorced and remarried. I have had two other pregnancies. The second one ended in a miscarriage that I believe I inadvertently caused because I drank alcohol when I thought I definitely wasn't pregnant (I no longer drink). The last one resulted in the birth of our beautiful daughter, a blessing from the Lord, whom we named Elizabeth ("consecrated to God"). It was Elizabeth's birth and the soul-searching that I had to do afterward that brought me to God. I want to bring her up to see how much God loves her, how He is a help in times of need, so that her life will glorify Him and she will dwell in His joy rather the legacy of sorrow that my "choice" bestowed on me.