I still remember everything vividly, the panic when I found out I was pregnant all mixed up with a strange fearful joy. The panic would come in waves and a constant feedback loop running in the back of my head no matter what else I was thinking, I'm pregnant, pregnant...

I was a single Mom with a 6 year old and struggling to pay the bills, the father was a married man who said he'd stand by me no matter what I decided, but who didn't want our baby . I decided I couldn't keep the baby no matter how much I wanted it, I couldn't afford to take care of him/her when I could barely take care of the one I have, and how I would I explain it to my child, as well as the rest of the world. I was also concerned my ex-husband would use this as an opportunity to gain custody of our son. It all just seemed too hard and I was panicked . Then I would look at my son's face and remember his birth and him as a baby and decide I couldn't do it .

Round and round I went. I desperately searched for some other way, some way that would spare us all. I made the appointment, then cancelled it, then made another one. I cried, begged and tried to bargain with God to show me some other way. I have always believed deeply in God's forgiveness, grace and mercy. I have always believed God was my Father and would take care of me. I had faith.

The day of the abortion approached and then it was the day, Dec 21, 4 days before the day we would celebrate a birth and the day of the winter solstice. When people used to celebrate life in the midst of apparent death(winter). My boyfriend went with me and paid for everything, then during the ultrasound at the clinic I found out I was pregnant with twins. It was all just too much. Even with financial support from my boyfriend there was no way I could take care of twins on my own with another child already at home.

As I climbed up on the table I had to ruthlessly suppress the nurturing, protective instincts already at full throttle. It tore me apart. I had had a child and I thought I was prepared for the pain but that is pain with a purpose, pain with a happy ending, this was just pain. It hurt so bad I didn't care what happened I just wanted it to stop. My boyfriend sat beside me and held my hand through it.

Afterwards, I was numb and even felt a wave of relief that at least a decision had been made and it was over, I had been dreading it so. I wish it had been over. In many ways it was just beginning. I expected the depression but was unprepared for the severity of it.

Christmas morning I got up and the house was dark and empty, my son was at his father's house for Christmas and I had to work. I sat in a chair in the dark living room and looked at the Christmas tree and cried until I threw up.

For weeks I cried every morning, when I thought of suicide I would feel a wave of relief at the thought of ending the emotional pain. I decided against suicide because I didn't want to leave my son motherless. I would look at his face and grieve, knowing I would never know what they would look like. I have never in my life felt such pure sadness and emptiness. I felt so physically empty.

Then came some days when I didn't cry, although I still felt such sadness and then by slow agonizing degrees I gradually got better. I had nightmares, dreams where I was pregnant again. I lost 20 pounds and had a hard time connecting with my own child who I had tightly bonded to. I felt isolated, different and at times invisible. For a long time, I couldn't look at baby pictures or a pregnant woman. I felt like there was nothing in the world just for me.

I am 37 and single and there will be no other chances for me to have other children. I grieved over that too. My boyfriend has tried to take care of me through it and we are still together. Although we have never talked about it he has been there for me. There was a time I would have sold my soul for us to have talked about it. Now it doesn't seem to matter, it's done and we can't go back, although I have seen the pain in his eyes at times. The only thing he said was it was the worst thing he'd ever been through. I have forgiven him, that was the easy part. He had said he would stand by me and, in the end, if I had changed my mind no one could have made me go through with it. For that reason, the decision was mine alone.

I was married for thirteen years and for 7 of them had tried to become pregnant and thought I was infertile, before I had my son. What irony to become pregnant with twins when I was single and abort them. I know that God has forgiven me, it's forgiving myself that is harder. I can justify it 100 kinds of ways but that does not lessen the reality of what happened.

I know it is God's job to justify and forgive, in fact he has already done so through His Son's sacrifice at the cross. At one time in my life that was a living reality to me, now it seems very distant. I am still going through the grieving and healing process, but I can see I have made progress. Six months ago I would have told you that God didn't care about me at all because He didn't save me. The reality is I could have saved myself and didn't because I was scared.

I am a different person now than I was a year ago, it still hurts but it's not the soul-wrenching pain it was. With God's grace and forgiveness I can find happiness again, although at times it seems so far away.