Hi my name is Sally, and this is my abortion testimony.

I was raised in a family where there was a painful lack of love. There was a lot of bickering and judgmentalism. I walked down the school hallways with my books hugged to my chest, my eyes down. My first boyfriend literally stood in my way one day to make me notice him. He was a total shock. I never opened myself up to love or to be loved by anyone before. I could only whisper the words "I love you" to him, it was just so hard to open myself up that way. I had always thought everyone hated me, judged me. After about 4 months he broke up with me. I was still a virgin. I felt desperate because I didn't want to be "alone" in the world again.

My second boyfriend only wanted "sex". He was obsessed with it. I lost my virginity in a "date rape" situation with him. I ended up staying with him. I figured giving my body to him was worth not being "alone". So I was willing to pay that price. But I ended up feeling like a "zombie". I was completely numb to reality. I didn't care about anything. The "price" cost me much more than I thought it would.

So, at 16 I became pregnant. I told my boyfriend first. He just kept shaking his head and repeating over and over "I can't tell my parents". I was so mad. He was so "strong" in wanting to have sex, but when it came to something that really took strength, he became a wet noodle so to speak. No real strength of character at all.

So I told my mom (I never knew my dad). She was disappointed but she wanted to support me and said she would do whatever I wanted to do. All I knew was, I didn't want to drop out of school--I can't face going to school pregnant -I'm already an outcast it will be even worse now. I don't want anyone to find out. I don't want to be "linked" to this boy in any way anymore...

So I thought that abortion was my only solution. I never even thought of myself as having a baby inside me, only that I was pregnant and I didn't want to be pregnant.

At the abortion clinic. The nurse took about eight of us into a room and explained the procedure. By this time I was about 12-13 weeks pregnant. Although I was of the opinion that abortion must be OK since it is legal, I kept looking around the room, totally shocked that so many women were here to have this done too. I was surprised that anyone could be as hard hearted as me. The nurse asked if anyone would like to have an IV to help relax them. No one raised their hand. Then she asked if anyone had had this done before. Some raised their hands, more shock on my part.

During the abortion I was not in pain, just some discomfort. But my resolve to just get it over with was shaky and I was finding it hard to keep a reign on my emotions, so I asked for an IV. I wanted to be drugged so that maybe I wouldn't be having such a mental struggle. The doctor and nurse were women. They were pretty gentle. I am sure they could see the fear on my face and respected that I had such self control. I had a suction abortion.

After the abortion I was pretty dizzy from the IV. The nurse took me into a room full of empty cots and said I could lie down as long as I needed. I lay down for about 5 seconds. I just felt such revulsion for that place I couldn't stay any longer. I had to get out! I went through the door to the waiting room. I saw the door that led outside. I aimed for it, slamming my shoulder into the door jam. What a sight I must have been to those waiting their turn. But I made it out! My mom was in the waiting room, she followed me.

I tried to call my boyfriend that night to tell him it was over between us. He was with my first boyfriend and some girls. He asked how I was and then broke up with me. I wanted to hurt him, but I lost my chance.

My family did not mention the abortion again. But I could see people at school whispering, even my sisters. That was hard.

I became depressed that first day after the abortion. I changed like night and day. I was angry and bitter against my mom. I became very destructive and self destructive. I wanted to hurt the world because I felt it had betrayed me. Before aborting I had thought that if there were a God he would allow me into heaven because I tried to do my best in life, although I had made mistakes. But after the abortion, I felt there was no chance on making it to heaven. If then I was to be evil, I would be as evil as I could be. I thank God that He preserved my life at this time.

When I was seventeen and about to start my senior year, I met a boy. He asked me to church but I wouldn't go. I thought that it would just make me feel worse. I already knew I was going to hell, so why go hear someone else tell me what I already knew. So, he asked me to go to a conference about God. I thought OK, I'm curious to know if He really does exist. I went. I realized when I was there that just the fact that I have a conscience is proof that there is a God. Otherwise, there was no other reason really for me to feel bad about some of the things in my life -like the abortion.

I thought abortion was legal so it must be OK. No guilt originating from my thought life. My mom took me to have it, she supported me. No guilt from her. I never knew it was a baby inside me, no guilt or second thoughts there. The doctor didn't badger me or abuse me verbally, no guilt there.

There was no outside reason why I should feel so bad about it except that God was trying to show me that it was wrong. And that no matter what my opinion was, it would not change the truth, or the consequences of my sin. This truth agreed with what had happened to me after the abortion.

I believed.

After I became a Christian and got married, the after-effects of the abortion worsened. I knew God had forgiven all of the sin in my life, but somehow the abortion haunted me. I used to stay up nights crying. I was plagued with horrible realizations like "Oh my gosh, where did they put my baby's body!"

When I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter, I knew even more pain. The pregnancy was difficult only because it was by rape. But this baby would not be aborted. I became so attached to her in my womb. And so much more sorrowful for the baby I threw away. I had dreams that I delivered my baby and yet no one believed me when I would tell them that there was a baby still inside me, waiting to come out, no one would help me.

Now, 15 years after my abortion, God has completely set me free from guilt and fear. I found this healing through a Bible study on abortion. There is hope for you too and His name is Jesus Christ. He wants us to be free indeed. I want to encourage you with that. No tears, no guilt, washed by the Word, and standing on His promises, I am free indeed. I can't wait to see my baby in heaven. And my daughter can't wait to meet (him) either. God bless you. Feel free to email me if you like, I am open to meet anyone who shares this experience.

Send mail to Sally

Sally is also involved with Heart to Heart Ministries, a counseling ministry for those who have experienced abortion.