6 Expert Tips on How to Raise A Happy, Healthy Daughter

Should 12-year-old girls wear make-up?

Should an 8-year-old have a phone?

Should a 17-year-old girl be allowed to sleep over with her boyfriend?

These are interesting conundrums moms face. Should we be the “cool” mom and let these kinds of things happen or should we stand up and say “no thanks” at the risk of our daughters getting angry and even feeling a backlash from our peers?

Recently, the Wall Street Journal published an interesting piece by Jennifer Moses called “Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That?”  about why mothers let their daughters dress “like prostitutes, if we’re being honest with ourselves,” she writes.

Do moms have to let society suck us in and keep us from saying, simply, “no” to such things?

The answer is no, according to Susan Shapiro Barash (www.susanshapirobarash.com), the author of 12 books including her latest “You’re Grounded Forever… But First Let’s Go Shopping: The Challenges Mothers Face with Their Daughters and Ten Timely Solutions.” Moms do not have to succumb to these pressures.  Barash, a noted gender expert, teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College in New York.

Here are her 6 tips on how moms can stand strong and do the right thing to raise their daughters to be fully-functioning members of society. Much deeper detail on these is outlined in her book so please read that too.

Stand by Your Values

The true compass moms can use against all of society’s pressures on our daughters is to simply know what our values are and stand up for those.  Barash says we are the role models for our daughters. Trying to be her best friend does her no good because it confuses the role of mother with that of her friends.  She has nothing to look to as a role model if you never guide her in her actions.

“Have courage in your convictions,” she says. By standing by your values, you will also be strengthened if your own peers pressure you to say yes to something you don’t like. Barash told Family First she knows of occasions where other moms will actually call and ask a mom why she said “no” to pressure her into changing her mind. If you know what you stand for, it’s much easier to simply tell your peer your answer is final, no matter what the backlash may be.

You Can Negotiate (a Bit)

Don’t fall into this trap, though. You are still in charge. You can allow for some discussion with your daughter about things you allow her to do or not do. This helps her learn to discuss and negotiate and then you both understand each other’s position. One thing to remember: make sure your discussions are age-appropriate. If your 9-year-old wants to do something you don’t approve of, this is a different discussion than if your 17-year-old wants to do something you don’t care for.

Pick Your Battles

There’s a difference between being strict and being helpful. If there is something your daughter really wants to do, think before you react. Is this truly against your principles or your family’s values or is it something you just don’t really like or understand? Can you find out more and maybe make a better decision? Maybe you can call another mother and find out more before you give your answer. Maybe there is something there you can learn from too.

Know Your Daughter

Barash says moms really need to understand who their daughter is as an individual. If she is really good at piano but wants to do gymnastics because it’s cool or all her friends are doing it, you can help her understand her own talents. You can show her that being a musician fits who she is more than being an athlete, and that it’s ok. This fosters independence in your daughter. She may even find other friends who are also musicians too.

Have a Heart-To-Heart Talk

Instead of simply yelling or shutting your daughter down, sit down with her, look her in the eye and talk. Barash says put down the cell phones, turn off the tv and really talk. This connection can mean so much to both of you. Females like to discuss our feelings and this again shows our daughters how much we care and how much we want to help them.

This is the time to explain in reasonable terms why something goes against your family’s values or to say “This is not what we believe and here’s why.”

It Is Never Too Late

Even if you feel like you’ve been too lenient in the past, it’s ok to say you’ve made mistakes and rethought your position on what you allow your daughter to do. Barash interviewed many, many women for her latest book and she says she was told at least once that one of her subjects wished her mother had been stricter.

Many Baby Boomer and Gen X moms had very strict up-bringings and don’t want that for their daughters but Barash says many Millennium Moms are actually moving back toward being more strict because they felt like their own moms were not strict enough. Keep this in mind if you are worried about being too strict – is it possible your daughter may actually want more structure?

Our daughters are always watching us – in our careers, with our other friendships, and with our love lives. They take their cues from us, says Barash. Make sure you are showing her what you want her to see.

If we don’t teach our daughters to make good decisions about their lives, how will they know what is the right thing to do? Even though society says we should allow some things to happen, don’t we owe it to society to be the moral compass for our kids? What have you encountered and how have you dealt with it?