Is Your Child Spoiled?

According to a 2007 AOL/Cookie Magazine poll, 94% of parents feel they overindulge their children but feel completely powerless to stop this – that means most of you who are reading this probably feel the same way.

Your child is spoiled. What are you going to do about that?

Raising a spoiled child results in children who have more anxiety, depression and behavior issues, according to a new book “How to Unspoil Your Child Fast – A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents” (Sourcebooks, ISBN 978-1-4022-4206-9, $14.99, September 2010) from Dr. Richard Bromfield.

Taking action now can help prevent these long-term effects and also make your family life much stronger. It’s not easy, as Bromfield points out in his super easy-to-read manual for taking your life back and raising self-reliant children of character, but he makes it so simple to implement. You can start changing your parenting after reading just a couple of chapters.

Some of the chapter titles say it all:

• Stop Explaining Yourself
• Hold Your Ground
• Allow for Natural Consequences (that’s a hard one for overprotective parents)
• Buy Less
• Refuse to Deal

As an example, the chapter called “Exercise Discipline” starts out by offering the reasons why limits are necessary – because limits show children where they end and others begin. How beautifully articulated.

Other reason why limits are necessary:

• They keep the child safe
• They keep you, their friends and others safe
• They keep your home and property safe
• They show your child what is acceptable and what isn’t
• They show your child you can handle their response, no matter what they do
• They start showing the child how to function outside the home, such as at school, church, the playground and society in general
• They give children strong self-control and patience
• They teach children to channel impulses into play and works rather than violence and anger
• They teach your child that you can handle their behavior and will

Bromfield goes on to write that limits mean your child doesn’t go through your purse or sit on your lap and poke you in the eye. Limits also protect privacy – such as not going into parents’ bedroom or office.

He draws a very important distinction between discipline and punishment. They are two different things.

Discipline sets limits and boundaries and holds up expectations so the child has the power to make decisions about what they’re going to do. They are the primary agents of their lives.

Punishment takes the decision-making out of it and shifts 100% of the control to parents.

Discipline is much more effective and he offers several tips on how to discipline. Here are a few:

Discipline fairly

Don’t “heap” all the discipline on one kid. If you’ve hyped up your kid right before bed, you can’t expect him/her to settle right down – that’s not fair. Make the discipline fit the crime too; small violations result in small consequences.

Discipline reasonably

Discipline when there is good reason – not because you had a bad day, are frustrated or tired. It’s not your kid’s fault you aren’t managing yourself well.

Discipline clearly

His example is “be good” – what does that mean to a kid? Be very clear in your instructions – “please clean up this project before beginning the next one” and give it time to soak in for your child. They may need to process your words a bit.

Discipline forgivingly

Allow your child to express how he/she feels about being disciplined. Allow him or her to apologize and make amends and maybe most importantly – let your child cry. This is difficult. As parents we hate to see our children cry but they need to feel the consequences of their decisions and deal with it. It may not seem that letting them cry is being forgiving but it is a better solution than to say “stop crying!” as we may be inclined to do.

That’s just a taste of what this book has to offer. Super short chapters, easy bullet points and bold type make this book an easy read. You can knock out quite a bit while your child plays or naps. It will change how you parent and could make life a little easier for you right away.

About Dr. Richard Bromfield

Richard Bromfield, Ph.D., is a graduate of Bowdoin College and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He’s on the faculty at Harvard Medical school and he writes about children, psychotherapy and family life in many popular and professional periodicals. He has a private practice in Boston, MA.